Jessica Biel's unadulterated, unabashed, unbreakable ass unleashed!!

Click the Picture to see it move!!

Thats right folks, there are no side boobs from Sarah from thickandrounddowntown.com, nor are there any greasy boobfucks from blackandthickandwide.co.uk, nor any obscure shower-heads. JUST ASS!

Little known fact: Lincoln from Karate Cop (AKA Dragon Cop) tried to molest Jessica Biel's ass. Ron Marchini tried to stop him, but it was too late; Lincoln had already ran into the teleporter. Ron Marchini karate chopped the crystal, which he thought caused Lincoln to turn into ashes, but it was really the heat emitted from Jessical Biel's butthole (the teleporter lead to Jessica Biel's butthole).

Ron Marchini Vs. Mr. T

One day Ron Marchini was meditating!!

"HEY MARCHINI I BET U CANT BEaT MR. T UP!"

"NOW YOUR MESSIN WITHA!!! SON OF A BIiiITCH!! NOW YOURE MESSIN WITHa sonubiatch!"

"HYAH" "HURRK" "KAYA" "STYX"

"HEY EVERYONE ron marchini and mr. t are fighting! Rufio! Rufio! Ru-Fi-OOOOOOOOOOOOOh!"

Mr. T: "Hey I think I'm winning!" Ron Marchini "Not just yet you aint! Not If I have anything to say about it!"

"I WON!"

Marchini: "Do you know what I wish?"
Mr. T: "What?"
Ronald L Marchini: "I wish I had a dad... like you."

Ron Marchini Facts

30 Ron Marchini Facts You Might Not Know
(adapted from 30 Chuck Norris Facts You Might Not Know)

1. Ron Marchini's tears cause cancer.

2. When Ron Marchini plays Oregon Trail his family dies from cholera or dysentery. He also requires no wagon, since he sends the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat through a transporter using a crystal. He never makes it to Oregon before you.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Ron Marchini instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he realized he could not, and was birthed normally.

4. Ron Marchini recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. He then added ninjas and an un-intimidating enemy to this idea and made a movie out of it.

5. Ron Marchini built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Ron Marchini rode away on his motorcycle, instinctively dodging the bullets. JFK was murdered.

6. Ron Marchini's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He did not know the answer.

7. Ron Marchini sold his soul to the devil for his unparalleled martial arts ability and "Special Police" hat. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Ron Marchini roundhouse kicked the devil in the face. The devil, who was angry, killed Ron Marchini. Ron Marchini now languishes in torment for eternity.

8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Ron Marchini smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer. He suffered tremendously every day until the day of his death.

9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. Ron Marchini thought this sounded like a good movie idea.

10. Ron Marchini is a nice person.

11. Ron Marchini lives by only one rule: Treat others as you would like to be treated.

12. When Ron Marchini's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Ron said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He silently cursed her, because he was pretty selfish, and really wanted some turkey.

13. Ron Marchini once rode on an airplane.

14. A man once asked Ron Marchini if his real name is "Ronald". Ron Marchini acknowledged that it was, and that that at the end of his movies, he is credited as Ronald L. Marchini.

15. Ron Marchini sleeps for about 8 hours a night.

16. Ron Marchini can make a woman climax if he lucks into her G Spot and then rocks the clit for a little while.

17. Ron Marchini once went to a frat party, and was asked to leave because he was not welcome there.

18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Ron Marchini cries and wishes he were Chuck Norris.

19. Ron Marchini is a virgin.

20. Ron Marchini asked Conan O'Brien if he wanted to use clips from his movies on his shows. He suggested maybe every time Conan pulled a lever that a clip played. Conan considered the idea, but respectfully declined because he already did that with Chuck Norris clips.

21. The chief export of Ron Marchini is excrement.

22. Ron Marchini doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. He in fact has very low levels of these cells. Doctors are worried that he may have HIV.

23. Ron Marchini frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can practice the fundamentals. He then uses these fundamentals in his pulse-regulating movies.

24. Ron Marchini once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to make him a Western Burger. He even tried calling 911 to get the police that force them to make it for him. This did not happen.

25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris. Ron Marchini is unaware of this.

26. Ron Marchini punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change. He was arrested and charged with sexual assault and now his neighbors get a letter everytime he moves into a new neighborhood.

27. Ron Marchini is currently suing NBC, claiming that they owe him money. NBC is not sure who Ron Marchini is.

28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Ron Marchini. His reasoning? It was more "sensical".

29. If you can see Ron Marchini you must be watching one of his movies. You may be only seconds away from death.

30. Ron Marchini ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one. When they start crying Ron Marchini says, "Oh geez, I'm sooooo so sorry" and offers to buy them ice cream.

Jesus Walks

Nasty Nate: "I mean, who even knows how old Jesus WAS?"
Lou: "32"
Nasty Nate: "He was 33, you moron."
Lou: "Well yeah, if you count his resurrection years."

Why Wal*Mart is Like an Old Whore's Painful, yet Soothing, Leathery Tongue

As the inaugural post for this soon-to-be revolutionary blog, I found it difficult to choose a topic so groundbreakingly important to adequately launch this colossus. Then I went to Wal*Mart.

I have a great love for Wal*Mart deep in my loins. It is a strange love, almost to the point of hatred. I imagine my feelings toward Wal*Mart are similar to that of the husband who beats his wife because he loves her so much.

I like to pretend that going to Wal*Mart keeps me humble. Like I'm some sort of Mormon missionary going to South America to teach the natives about hats, or whatever Mormons teach. I don't know. But deep down (in my loins), I know the reason is a sick satisfaction; sort of like the satisfaction you get by watching two girls poo into a cup, right before your eyes go blind from all the tears and the blood from the pencil stab wounds.

But I never go to Wal*Mart without a reason. This day's reason was I had to obtain a gift card for a Secret Santa at my work. I won't go into details on why that is stupid. I also had big plans to buy something for myself, as I find no pleasure in buying things just for others.

Every time I enter Wal*Mart one thing never fails, and sure enough it happened this time as well. I make my way through the sliding doors, with a smarmy grin and a jaunty stroll, eager to make my time in Wal*Mart the utmost productive without spending a single moment dawdling. I tip my hat to the wounded beast guarding the entryway, skip through the theft prevention devices, then immediately get trapped behind the fattest, slowest family in America.

This time there were two of them, both headed by gargantuan mothers. These ladies were in the traditional Wal*Mart stance, where one's upper torso collapses atop the shopping cart and with one's legs as far withdrawn from the cart as possible, ensuring the ass consumes the most area an ass can within the confines of physics and nature. It's basically the closest thing to lying down that someone can do while shopping. I discovered the reason for this is that these people can't physically hold themselves upright, so once they leave their minivan they have to quickly transition their robust top-bodies to the nearest four-wheeled metal cage that they can throw their baby into.

I don't know what possesses these women, who upon entering Wal*Mart find the need to completely stop moving. It's like they are surprised or something. As if they are thinking to themselves, "What the hell? How did I get here? This is not my beautiful wife?" It can't be because they don't know where to go, as this is their thousandth visit to Wal*Mart this year, and that every Wal*Mart is identical. But they stopped anyway, and the children... the children were wild as wolves, flailing their arms from their tattered clothes. Tip No. 1: whenever the Wal*Mart mother stops moving it is a cue for all her tadpoles to disperse laterally with wanton disregard for human decency.

As always, I gingerly tried to sneak my cart past them, but once they saw me, all of a sudden they wanted to race. I always win, because my legs aren't afflicted with crippling bowleggedness from having all them babies.

I was mighty displeased to not find what I needed, so I just grabbed the gift card and suffered the painful experience of waiting in a Wal*Mart holiday line to buy a fucking gift card.

As my position in line slowly grew closer to the teller, I noticed he was looking me. I immediately identified the look as the "Why is this guy in line? He does not have a single item" look. In response I placed the gift card on the conveyor belt, and shame washed over me.

Finally it was my turn, I gave the teller the gift card, confident that he knew the score. He apparently didn't. The most perplexed look imaginable washed over his face, his eyes beglazoned with bewilderment. I still can't figure out what he could have thought a person with no items handing him a gift card could possibly want, other than to buy that gift card. So I told him,

"I would like to buy that."

No response.

I thought for a second, maybe Wal*Mart has instituted some sort of gift card embargo at their checkouts that I wasn't aware of.

"Is that okay?" I asked.

"Uh. Yeah." the gentle creature responded.

"Okay, can I put $25 on that?"

Then he said the most mind-boggling words one could say at that moment

"Uh. Yeah. I was like waiting for an answer."

What?!
I wasn't offended by the rudeness of the comment, since thats part of Wal*Mart's charm. I was offended because that makes no sense. Answer? to what? There was no question posed other my own. The only words that came out of his mouth up until that point was "Uh. Yeah." Waiting? You weren't waiting for shit. If anything I would be the one waiting for you to ask a question. According to this guy when I'm in a checkout I need to ask and answer all my own questions, and do it speedily, because I don't want to leave him waiting.

As I left Wal*Mart, I had that distinctive feeling of dirtiness, confusion, and anxiety that I have come so accustomed to. I vowed to never set foot in another Wal*Mart, as I do every time, claiming this was the worst experience I'd ever had.

I ended up going to the Phoenix Wal*Mart later that day. I found this out: In the analogy where the Gilbert Wal*Mart is Iraq, then the Phoenix Wal*Mart is the inside of Saddam Hussein's butthole, while his balls are being electroshocked. I'm not 100% sure if his balls were electroshocked, I can only presume at this juncture.

-Louis